Come Over To My Side!
by yamiyugi23
Summary: Crack fic, three one shots with Voldermort trying to get Harry on his side with a bit of chaos and Humor. No Pairings. Written for JongKey Scripted. Completed.
1. Peace Talks

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I have no rights to it nor do I make any money from writing these fic's.**

**This little one shot is taken from ****JongKey Scripted****'s plot bunnies, so I'm just writing it! I spotted three of their bunnies that could be merged together to make a nice little funny one shot. So enjoy!**

**Peace Talks**

Harry gave a happy hum as he walked through Diagon Alley alone. His aunt had brought Dudley to London to get his new school uniform, they had to get Dudley's clothes tailor made with how big he was. With Vernon being at work for the day Petunia didn't want to leave Harry alone in the house.

Which was how Harry came to be walking around Diagon Alley looking for a place to buy a drink. His aunt had ditched him as soon as they had arrived saying that she didn't want to see or hear anything from him until 5pm when they'd be heading back to home.

Harry didn't really care, he was just happy to be out of the house and away from his 'caring' relatives for a while. Through there was one problem, he was now lost, he had never truly explored the Alley before as he had only ever came to do his school shopping with his friends, how he came to find this little area of it he didn't know.

"Excuse me," Harry said politely to a mild-aged pureblood witch, "Do you know where I could buy myself a drink from?"

"There's a small café around the corner, about five minutes walk," the woman replied without looking up from her book, "Just follow the path and you should find it without any real problem."

Before Harry could thank her the woman quickly took off, muttering something about being late for anappointment with a client.

"Oh well," Harry said to himself with a shrug of his shoulders, "Let's see then…around the corner...follow the path."

Turning around Harry followed the path with a quite hum; the area that the path was taking him in seemed nice enough, the buildings was up keep was nice and there was flowers dotted about. All in all it was a nice little area even if it wasn't one of the fanciest**.**

"Oh dear," Harry said with a groan as he came to a stop.

Harry had come to the corner that the pureblood witch had mentioned only to find that he couldn't follow the path as it wasn't a single turn in the path but it was a fork in the road.

'Which way is it?' Harry thought to himself as he looked down both ways 'I better ask for direction…'

Just as Harry had turned around to where an old man stood he found himself colliding with someone else.

"Stupid mudblood, watch where you're going," came a very familiar voice, "Stupid idiots don't even know how to use their eyes."

Harry gave a cry of shock as he moved away from the other person, "TOM!"

"Potter?" Voldermort said in shock as he looked the boy up and down, "What in Merlin's name are you doing here?"

"I'm trying to find a café," Harry said as he told half of the truth, he also realised that Voldermort was wearing a glamour to make him look like he had during his years at Hogwarts, "But the real question is what are you doing here in Diagon Alley?"

"Would you believe me if I said that I was trying to buy a new stuff toy?" Voldermort said only to get a look of pure disbelief from Harry, "Thought not."

"You can't start shooting spells," Harry said as he motioned to his surroundings, "If you do…"

"I'm not here to kill anyone," Voldermort said with a wave of his hand, "I'm here to grab myself a drink and a few minutes away from my Death Eaters."

Harry blinked in shock; he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Look if you agree to have a drink with me I'll tell you about my side of the war," Voldermort said with a shrug, "This fighting things gone on for too long."

"Alright," Harry replied with a nod of his head, "But you're not acting your normal…"

"I'm going to kill you all way?" Voldermort asked with a smirk, "You know I can't say with all of these people about, besides it's nice to get away from it all."

Harry nodded his head in understanding. They began turned right and began to walk down the path. Voldermort placed a wandless spell around them.

"What was that spell for?" Harry asked carefully, "You're not going to try and kill me are you?"

"Now am I really that bad of a person?" Voldermort asked with a mock hurt expression on his face.

Harry didn't answer as they continued to walk along the path; instead he gave Voldermort a pointed look.

"Ah, I guess that your right," Voldermort said with a sigh, "I just want to get away from those Death Eaters, with all their sniffling and bowing. It gets to you."

Harry couldn't help it, he found himself laughing at the look on Voldermort's face.

"Don't laugh at me or I'll hex you," Voldermort growled out as they continued to walk down the street.

"I'm not one of your minions Tom," Harry said with a raised eyebrow, "Besides what about everyone around us?"

"Forget about them," Voldermort said with a pout, he then eyed Harry carefully, "Would you become a Death Eater for me?"

"Are you drunk?" Harry asked carefully as he looked Voldermort up and down, "I think you know the answer to that."

Voldermort sent Harry a pout, "But Malfoy won't allow me anything stronger then tea after..."

"After what?" Harry asked as he paused in his step, any black mail on the Dark Lord would be helpful.

"Never mind," Voldermort said with a cough, "Now then about that peace talk."

Harry rolled his eyes, "I am not joining your side nor am I becoming one of your little minions."

"How about being my equal then?" Voldermort suggested.

Harry pretended to think about it, "No."

"Fine fine," Voldermort muttered, "What would want from this peace talk?"

"For you to stop attacking muggleborns and halfblood's, to allow the wizarding world to live in peace," Harry said with a raised eyebrow, "Oh and how about getting yourself a makeover?"

"You brat," Voldermort hissed out, "I should-"

"This peace talk isn't going to well is it now?" Harry said with a smirk, "Through…this is fun."

Voldermort could only let out a growl of anger; after all he did not want to blow his cover.

**To Be Continued…**

**Just to warn you all this little fic is supposed to be funny and not make any sense. It's just for laughs really.**


	2. We have Cookies!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I have no rights to it nor do I make any money from writing these fic's.**

**This little one shot is taken from ****JongKey Scripted****'s plot bunnies, so I'm just writing it! I spotted three of their bunnies that could be merged together to make a nice little funny one shot. So enjoy!**

**We have Cookies!**

Harry blinked a few times, how had Voldermort got him to agree to come to Riddle Manor with him he didn't know. Taking a bite of his cookie…ah that was how, Voldermort had given him a cookie and had promised to give him a lot more if he allowed him to tell Harry what he would get if he joined the Dark Side.

"Now then if you'll just follow me," Voldermort said as he dropped the glamour as he led Harry through the hallways of Riddle manor, "I'll be taking you to meeting room where you'll be meeting some of my Death Eaters."

"This is a trap isn't it?" Harry said as he finished off his cookie, "You're going to-"

"Do as I said which is tell you the benefit the Dark Side has over the Light Side," Voldermort said as they approached a pair of large wooden doors, "Ah here we are, now get ready to join the Dark Side!"

Harry could only watch on in shock and surprise at what happened next.

Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape and Peter Pettigrew jumped out of nowhere and began to sing…about cookies of all things.

**Oh we have cookies,**

**So yummy and chocolaty,**

**You can dunk them in anything you want,**

**Sugar they are, the greatest ever,**

**Cookies rule, the dark side has them!**

Harry blinked in shock as Severus transfigured Peter into a cookie and began bowing to it. Lucius continued singing as if this was an everyday occurrence.

**Oh what could you not like about cookies?**

**The Dark Side has loads of them, **

**We eat them for breakfast, lunch and tea,**

**We toast to cookies for they help us!**

Harry looked up as a load of cookies came down from the ceiling, it was raining cookies. Harry looked over to where Voldermort was only to find him nodding his head in agreement with a thoughtful expression on his face.

Severus started singing as Lucius started to have a bath in the cookies.

**Cookies help us gain members,**

**Plus they're so yummy!**

**Yummy yummy cookies in our tummies!**

**Cookies are great, cookies are wonderful,**

Harry titled his head as Lucius and Severus started to bow to the proud looking Cookie-Peter.

'Have I been transported into a children's movie?' Harry wondered as he remembered many movies Dudley used to watch.

**We have no idea just why you'd turn down our offer for cookies are great,**

**Come over to our side and have a cookie!**

**Have all the cookies you want on the dark side,**

**We rob muggle areas just to get cookies,**

**Oh ho a Death Eater's life for me!**

Harry couldn't hold back a laugh as the trio suddenly turned into pirates, it didn't help Harry at all that Peter was still a large fat cookie.

**We take cookies from muggles and eat them ourselves,**

**Oh cookies are great; we eat them at every meal,**

**They help us gain new members,**

**You can eat them whenever and however you want~**

**They work better to get people to do what we want then torture,**

**Oh come over to the Dark Side and you can have as many as you want,**

Harry jumped as a cannon went off covering the room in even more cookies, the room was now a sea of cookies. Grabbing one Harry decided why not have a meal with the show?

**Cookies are good; they serve us so we give them respect,**

**They get us new members and help keep them,**

With that Peter turned back into a human, or in Harry's option as close as possible to a human, and took their big finishing poses.

"And," Voldermort said warningly causing Peter to jump and sing one more line.

**Oh, and they taste good too!**

"Next time remember _all_ of your lines," Voldermort said as he glared pointedly at Peter, "Now get out of here, I have important business to deal with."

With a quick, "Yes My Lord," the three Death Eaters quickly left the room without a backwards glance.

"Well?" Voldermort demanded, "Will you?"

"Have cookies with you?" Harry deadpanned only to continue when he saw Voldermort's face, "Err…yeah…a great benefit over the light side. How many cookies a day you can have again?"

"Didn't you listen to the song?" Voldermort cried out, reminding Harry of an angry Chimp, "As many as you want."

Harry gave a hum as he poked the sea of cookies, "Alright, I'll try it for a bit. No promises but I'll see how things go. Like if I'll fit in, if I can make friends and everything."

"Make…friends…" Voldermort said with wide eyes, "Why would you…"

"I'm a magical creature you see!" Harry suddenly said removing his own glamour to show he was a Neko, "And as such I have a few needs of my own!"

Voldermort blinked, "Where the hell is half of this stuff coming from I…no, I don't want to know, here have a cookie."

"Thanks," Harry said taking the cookie happily, "But what do you mean?"

"Oh just a crazy writer of fanfiction on a sugar high is writing this," Voldermort said with a casual wave of his hand, "Now then…will you join the Dark Side?"

"I don't know," Harry said nervously, "I-"

"We have cookies!"

"It's a deal!"

**To Be Continued…**

**Don't ask, this is a crack/humour fic that's not meant to make sense. And I DO own the song in the chapter, made it up myself!**


	3. Neko Chaos

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I have no rights to it nor do I make any money from writing these fic's.**

**This little one shot is taken from JongKey Scripted's plot bunnies, so I'm just writing it! I spotted three of their bunnies that could be merged together to make a nice little funny one shot. So enjoy!**

**Neko Chaos**

Harry giggled madly as he ducked between the Death Eater's legs and ran up the stairs.

"Potter get back here," Voldermort yelled from the pile of Death Eaters, "This wasn't our agreement!"

"It was," giggled Harry, "I told you, if you can catch me then I'll join your side!"

"But you've already agreed to," Lucius said, distracting Harry for Severus who was sneaking up on the young neko, "What about the cookies?

"Well those are defiantly a BIG plus!" Harry said happily, "Oh and nice try Sev."

Harry jumped just in time for Severus to miss him, Severus feel down the stair and back into the pile of Death Eaters while Harry watched what was happening from his spot on the banister.

"What are we going to do?" Voldermort hissed out, "We can't keep this up for much longer."

"W…what about…milk…and cookies," Peter stuttered out, "I mean his-"

"The cookies will tempt his human side while the milk will tempt his neko side," Severus said having enough of Peter's stuttering, "But how to do this?"

"You're all out of milk so one of you will have to run to the shop," Harry called out to them.

The group groaned as they saw Harry taking the large pint of milk from a happy House Elf.

"Damn you," Voldermort cried out in melancholy, "That milk was needed for tonight when we make the biggest cookie ever!"

"You can always gets some more," Harry said with a shrug before disappearing into a random room.

"Get him!" Voldermort cried out, "He drank the last of the milk! He is the one who needs to buy more!"

"Get him!" the Death Eater's cried out, charging up the stairs as one big group.

"Not like that," Voldermort groaned as he watched his Death Eaters his minions merge together into one big Death Eater ball and fall down the stairs, "I would have thought you'd learnt from last time! One at a time!"

The blushing Death Eater's didn't reply, instead they ran up the stairs one at a time and went into the room Harry had entered.

"Well," Voldermort called from the doorway, "Is he in there? I'm getting board of playing this game! I have places to cause chaos and people to kill!"

"My Lord we cannot find him," Peter answered as he looked under a book, "I think he must have disappeared into thin air."

Voldermort groaned into his hands, "Why am I surrounded by idiots?"

"Well you did pick them Tommy," Harry said from behind Voldermort, "Later!"

"Potter!" Voldermort yelled as he chased after Harry with a large crowd of Death Eater's behind him, "Get back here now!"

"No~" Harry said with a playful grin that was only made cuter by his neko ears and tail, "You have to catch me first!"

Voldermort growled out, "I would but you keep on moving about!"

Harry gave Voldermort a raised eyebrow, "Well that _is_ the point…you know I have to run away and you got to try and get me so my-"

"BUT YOU BROKE THE RULES!" Voldermort yelled out in anger, "So it's more than a little game!"

"What rules?" Harry blinked in confusion, "I don't remember breaking any rules."

"You drank the last of the milk Potter," Lucius sneered, "And you did not go straight out and buy some more with a large bag of cookies!"

"Is that all?" Harry said with a playful grin, "Well then whoever catches me first…I'll buy them a LARGE bottle of milk with SIX packets of cookies, size, type and all you're choosing."

"Get him!" Severus cried out, "You heard him!"

Voldermort groaned into his hands as his Death Eater's chased a Neko Harry around his mansion, "How Harry can get my Death Eaters to obey him quicker and eagerly too I'll never now."

Voldermort winced as a loud crash followed by several screams came from the room where he kept his fine china.

"Yes…I have to get him to come over to my side."

**The End.**

**Alright, hope you all enjoyed this little crack fic!**

**Until the next fic!**


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